Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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