I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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