i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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