you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
