my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
