I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
