you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
