We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
