Four minutes until I can fart!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
