I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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