I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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