took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
