You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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