Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
