i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
