if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You were trust falling into bushes
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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