i just had sex bonerless
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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