Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
