Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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