theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Can't talk, ducks in the car
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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