I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
