ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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