Will you blow on my dice?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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