My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
