i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
