so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
