Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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