you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
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Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
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Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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