I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
