Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
