Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
