She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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