would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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