I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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