Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
