There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
