I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
