hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
