Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
