he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
