I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
