Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
