Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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