I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
