We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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