he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
birth control should be required to get into college
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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