if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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