Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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