My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
