I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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