I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
bring money and cleavage
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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