he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
