I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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