i jhust puked up my retainher.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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