Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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