You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
