I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
